The Real Itachi
by Beetchy Bebeh
Summary: Deidara and Kisame have discovered Itachi's ultimate secret! The world crashes down on Itachi! If everyone finds out about his BIG secret...his career as a shinobi will definitely end!
1. Itachi's Ultimate Secret!

**Okay, this is my very first Naruto and Itachi-based fic, so please go easy on me. Also, I've tweaked the personalities of the Akatsuki members in a comical way, so please tell me if you don't like how I tweaked them. I'm not trying to wreck Itachi in a sense that his fangirls will hunt me right after they read this XD Itachi's a great guy and all, just like his brother! Teehee**

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At the Akatsuki headquarters

"What? There aren't any missions for us today?" said Kisame, who was strucken in awe

"Unfortunately, yes." Said Sasori, looking as serious as ever. "Since we've got nothing to do for this day, I suggest that the rest of you train. And make sure you train HARD"

"But…but Sasori-chan!" said the chibified Deidara -Okay, I'm going to make him a HE. Don't murder me now XD- "I'm going to be stuck all day with THEM!"

Deidara points at Kisame and Itachi

"Hey now, don't do that to us! We're team mates, remember?" said Kisame, sweatdropping

"Of course Deidara knows that! But you always manage to ruin things up! HMPH" The hmph isn't a typo XD said Deidara in a cute, chibi voice

"Why you little..!" said Kisame, who was provoked by Deidara's words. - -

Kisame brings out his Samehada - -

"Kisame." Said Itachi, looking up from the magazine he was reading. "Don't be such a fool and waste precious stamina and chakra."

"…Yes, Itachi-san" said Kisame, putting back the Samehada into it's rightful container located on his back - -

"Oooh! What is Itachi-chan reading?" said Deidara, taking full interest on the magazine that Itachi was reading

"…Do NOT call me Itachi-CHAN." Said Itachi, feeling all grumpy and moody while concentrating on the magazine he was reading

"I believe he's reading some xxxHolic magazine again O.o" said Kisame, eyeing Itachi with a huge pair of eyes. "Or worse….ICHA ICHA PARADISE" - -

Silence filled the room

Sounds of crickets are heard

"NANI! Itachi-CHAN, I don't believe what Kisame-san said! Please tell me it isn't true!" said Deidara, already on the verge of tears. "Please don't show the whole world that you're planning to ruin the Uchiha clan's pride and name by reading THAT magazine!"

Sasori -Yes, we all know that he's the serious type of guy…but hey! I want to tweak his personality just a LITTLE bit..Mwahaha- tried hard not to laugh over Deidara and Kisame's conversation with Itachi - -

"I don't want to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I'll leave you three here to talk." Said Sasori, walking out of the room

"…….I guess he's still a virgin ," said Deidara. "Anyway..Itachi-CHAN! What's that you're reading?"

Deidara attempts to grab the magazine that Itachi was busy reading - -

In a flash, Itachi quickly hides his magazine and points his sword at Deidara

"What is wrong with you? Can't you see I'm busy reading?" said Itachi, glaring at Deidara - -

Itachi, who is unaware of his surroundings, failed to notice Kisame, who had grabbed the book from the outer pocket of his Akatsuki robe

"Deidara! Success! I've gotten the book! - -

As soon as Kisame looked at the cover, he instantly froze like ice

"GASP. Itachi……WHY?" said Deidara. The look on his face was priceless

Itachi didn't blush, nor say anything. He just kept a calm and cool look on his face

"Oh, that? That's…well, a part of my Total Girl magazine collection." Said Itachi, feeling proud of what he said. -OMG, is he THAT gay!-

"GASP! I-Itachi-CHAN!" cried Deidara, staring hard at the cover, as his mouth was about to utter something nasty. But good thing he controlled himself

Kisame had managed to defroze himself

"ITACHI-SAN!" shouted Kisame, running towards Itachi, with his arms wide open, Preparing to hug him - -

As Kisame was a few inches away from hugging Itachi, Itachi slapped Kisame in the face.Now THAT's something all girly girls would normally do!

"DOUBLE GASP!" said Deidara, wearing that priceless look on his face again

"I don't believe this...i hate to say this….and I don't want to forget this! As I live and breathe, the man who wiped out the entire Uchiha clan is **GAY!**" said Kisame, having the same priceless face as Deidara

Itachi froze

The word GAY echoed in Itachi's head for about a million times - -

"NOOOO!" shouted Itachi, knowing that his most ultimate secret had been discovered

"Ita-CHAN, Don't tell this is ALL TRUE…?" said Deidara, eyes wideing with fear and shock

"Listen up, you two! If you tell ANYONE, and I repeat, ANYONE about this…I'll make sure the both of you will die in the world of Tsukiyomi!" said Itachi, threatening both Deidara and Kisame

"O-of course we won't!" said Deidara and Kisame reluctantly. "Anything to save our team mate's name and pride!"

"By the way…Itachi-san, can I check out my horoscope? Said Kisame, changing the topic

"Go ahead.." said Itachi, handing Kisame the pink magazine with one of Konoha's gorgeous female models on it

_My Kami! HOW TO BE GIRLY IN ONE WEEK! This is absurd! Thought Deidara, reading the horoscopes page that Kisame was reading_

"So, my horoscope says: Savor this day -- small victories are just as sweet as large ones. Enjoy them all." Said Kisame, reading his horoscope out loud. "Hey Deidara, want me to read yours?"

"Sure thing, Kisame-san!" said Deidara, smiling

"Alright, here we go!" said Kisame. "Your horoscope as of today is: Live a simple life, so that others may live simply."

"Huh? I don't get it." Said Deidara, question marks suddenly appearing on top of his head

"Oh well…NEVERMIND." Said Kisame. "What about YOURS, Itachi-CHAN? My Kami, Deidara's one contagious guy!"

" I don't know. I haven't read that page yet.." said Itachi seriously, hoping that the two Akatsuki members had forgotten the incident that happened a few minutes ago

"Wait, wait! I wanna read it!" said Deidara, transforming into chibi mode

"Geez..." said Itachi, shaking his head in disgrace. _I hate having to put up with a fellow Akatsuki member who gets all cute, childish and chibified.._

"Hehehe, Itachi-san's horoscope is gonna be a blast!" said Kisame, snickering at Itachi

Itachi suddenly gives Kisame an evil glare

Kisame froze in fear - -

"Don't be afraid of showing everyone who you truly are. It's better to be true than to be plastic" said Deidara, reading Itachi's horoscope out loud

"WOW. That's awesome fortune telling your girly magazine has, Itachi-san! Your horoscope was kind of related to what happened a while ago!" said Kisame happily

_This can't be! Though Itachi, as he started sweating heavily_

"Itachi-san, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now leave me alone." - -

"Awww, don't worry, Ita-CHAN! You're secret is safe with us!" said Deidara, smiling at Itachi

"Well yes, I know that but…If my brother and all of his friends know that, I may never be able to show my face in public again! And that goes for the annoying hoard of fangirls who chase me around everyday, wanting to give me a make-over!" sad Itachi, lifting an eyebrow

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**A cliff hanger! I'll be uploading the next chapter when I find more time in my schedule! Please read and review! Opinions, suggestions and critisicms are most welcome! Itachi fangirls, please don't murder me…I'm only human.**


	2. Pressured?

**Legend**:

Characters talking – "Hey"

Characters thinking – "_Hey"_

Characters talking in dreams – "**Hey"**

Characters whispering – "_Hey"_

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"**SASUKE-KUN!" **shouted Sakura, panting heavily as she approached Sasuke and started to whisper something in his ear. "**Y-you're brother's here!"**

"**What? Why the hell is he here!**" exclaimed the surprised Uchiha. "**I thought that inconsiderate prick didn't want to come back!" **- -

A tall, slender figure started walking from the entrance gate of Konoha village

All the people stared at the figure motionlessly - -

"**N-no…THIS CAN'T BE!**" shouted Sasuke, moving closer to the unknown figure. "…**A-aniki**..."

Sakura and the other village people's mouths dearly dropped 3 feet to the ground

"_OMG, ISN'T THAT….THAT HOT, S-RANK SHINOBI WHO WIPED OUT HIS ENTIRE CLAN IN ONE NIGHT!_" said one villager, whispering to the person beside her

"_Yes, you're right! But look…..LOOK at him NOW. You can't even tell if he's undergone sex transplant!"_ said another villager with a disgusted look on her face

"_Daddy, I'M SCARED!_" said a young boy and girl, clinging onto the sleeve of their father's jacke_t_

"_Ewww, he looks like a buttwipe!_" said a young woman, gossiping to a group of young women

The looks on the villagers' faces were PRICELESS - -

_Uchiha Itachi, the man who killed the entire Uchiha clan...my older brother, ..the brother who told me to hate and detest him, until I grew stronger..the brother who has transformed me into a hateful avenger….IS NOW _**GAY**! Thought Sasuke, about to give his brother a powerful chidori attack in the face

Itachi was wearing his hair longer than usual, silkier and softer as usual too. He had his Akatsuki robe torn above-the-knee length and was designed with a giant ribbon. And as for the upper part of his body, his manly and smooth shoulders could be seen.

"_Hello, there Sasuke_." Said Itachi, uterring the same manly voice, only with a girlish accent mixed into it

"_I DON'T FREAKIN' BELIEVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF!" _shouted Sasuke, punching his brother in the face

Itachi received the punch, but still stood his ground, not moving an inch

"_Now what have I done to harm myself? I have to admit…BEING LIKE THIS COULD BE TOTAL FUN._" Said Itachi. The manly-girly tone and accent has stuck to him

"_D-don't' touch me! You're a disgrace to mother and father! And to think I had wasted all my time, training intensively in long, sleepless nights…JUST TO SEE YOU IN FRONT OF ME, BECOMING GAY?" _shouted Sasuke, starting to look all disgusted and freaked out

"_But Sasuke, dear! I'm still your brother, after all!" _said Itachi, fixing his long raven hair, only to reveal hot pink fingernails with cute designs on them - -

Sasuke suddenly faints due to too much shock and disgust - -

"_SASUKE-KUUUUN!"_ scream Sakura and his fangirls, making a huge circle around him - -

Tsunade, the Godaime Hokage walks in front og Itachi

"_Itachi..! How could you! I hate to say this but…LEAVE THIS VILLAGE AND NEVER COME BACK! You're too GAY for all of us!" _said Tsunade, disappearing on the spot after saying those harsh words to Itachi - -

_WTF? ….I"M GAY? I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT! WHYYYY! Thought Itachi, starting to sweat heavily as he looked at all the villagers who were staring and gossiping madly about him - -_

A strange darkness engulfed Itachi

Suddenly, the word **GAY **echoed around Itachi for a million times - -

"**AAAAAAH!**"screamed Itachi, jumping 2 feet from his bed. "That _nightmare_ was weird."

Itachi checked the alarm clock located on a mini table, located east from his bed

It was already 12:00am

"Phew…good thing I didn't wake Deidara and Kisame." Said Itachi, going back to sleep as if nothing had happened to him

9:00am

At the Akatsuki headquarter dining room

Itachi sat motionless, looking at his cup of tea, as Deidara and Kisame entered the dining room

"Err, is there something wrong with Itachi-CHAN?" said Deidara, poking Kisame in the arm like a cute, little, lost kid –AWW!-

"Don't ever poke me! My skin's….sensitive." said Kisame, withdrawing his arm from Deidara's finger

"Hmph, don't lie to me!" said Deidara, glaring at Kisame. "Anyway…Itachi-CHAN looks like he's seen a ghost!"

Silence filled the room

Itachi suddenly snapped back to his senses

"..Oh, it's you two." He said, at his most serious state. "What do you want?"

"N-nothing! We were…uhh… just wondering if you're still thinking about the _incident_ that happened yesterday!" said Kisame, sweatdropping - -

Itachi's head suddenly throbbed

"..Well, if you ask me…I've forgotten about it." Said Itachi, hiding his true feelings

"Sugoi! Really?" said Deidara, looking at Itachi with the cutest pair of puppy dog eyes

"You don't want me to repeat what I've already said now, don't you?" said Itachi, giving Deidara and Kisame a death glare.

Itachi looks away and drinks his cup of tea with the utmost finesse one would see in a girl - -

"GASP! ITACHI-SAN!" exclaimed Kisame, pointing at Itachi with big, bulging eyes and a 2-foot jawdrop. "D-don't tell us you're….." - -

Deidara quickly covers Kisame's shark-like mouth

"_DO YOU, I REPEAT, DO YOU WANT TO BE MURDERED BY ZETSU?_" said Deidara, tightening his grip on the collar of Kisame's robe

Kisame nods his head frantically

"I'm going to the backyard." Said Itachi, still wearing that serious and expressionless look on his face as he made his way to the back part of the headquarters

Deidara and Kisame's eyes widened with fear

"Ne, Kisame-san…is Itachi-CHAN REALLY going to go to the BACKYARD?" said Deidara, watching Itachi open the gate of the backyard

"I believe..! And I don't like what's going to happen to that beloved team mate of ours!" said Kisame, folding his arms. "Well, spying on him wouldn't hurt **a little**..would it?"

_A LITTLE. Thought Deidara. I could've sworn that A LITTLE wasn't enough!_

"Uhh, y-yeah, Kisame-san! Just a little!" said Deidara, sweatdropping

"Good! Then let's get to work!" exclaimed Kisame, dragging Deidara out of the room

At the Akatsuki Headquarters backyard

"Tralalalala" said Itachi, humming to himself, as a bird landed on his shoulder - -

Mischievous Deidara and Kisame were spying on Itachi from the headquarters roof

"OMFG don't tell me THIS is going to happen next!" said Deidara, watching Itachi, refusing to look in another direction

"I know, I know! His gay level is even worse than Iruka's!" said Kisame, watching Itachi through a pair of huge binoculars - -

Now…Itachi was humming loudly, that all of the animals near the backyard got attracted to him

_Why…am I feeling this strange feeling? Thought Itachi, patting a white-furred rabbit on the head_

"DID YOU SEE THAT! HE JUST PATTED A RABBIT…**GENTLY**!" said Deidara, eyes enlarging to match the size of the planet Venus. "He's getting creepy and creepier by the day…!"

Kisame looks away from the binoculars and stares hard into Deidara's eyes

"You may know what this means, Deidara…that if we don't stop Itachi-sama from transforming into a Sexy no Jutsu model, his gayness may become PERMANENT!" said Kisame

"GASP! I won't let that Itachi-CHAN become GAY!" said Deidara, shaking so hard he nearly fell off the roof

"Careful! One wrong move, and we're DEAD!" said Kisame, grabbing onto Deidara's robe

"Thanks, Kisame-san!" said Deidara, getting back up on the roof

"I've got another idea! Now listen CLOSE…" said Kisame, starting to whisper something in Deidara's ear

"_We confront Itachi-sama and tell to go easy on life…I mean letting half of the world know that you're gay isn't THAT bad! He has to be a 100 percent bishounen, for our sake and for the sake of his fangirls!_" said Kisame

"You know what I like about you, Kisame-san…is that you're such a pessimist, trying hard to become an optimist! We'll get murdered at the first stage of your plan!" said Deidara, starting to shiver. "I've never seen Itachi-CHAN blow up for years!"

"Then we'll make him, even if we have to!" said Kisame in a forceful manner. "Itachi can't become gay!"

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**Okay, cliffhanger! And thanks everyone for the nice and maybe critisisful(sp?) reviews! Read and review please! I had such a fun time making this XD! I hope you had a fun time reading this too! Please don't murder me XD  
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	3. Mission Impossible

At the Akatsuki Headquarters

In Kisame's room

"Gosh, Kisame-san! This is the first I've even been to your room!" said Deidara, wandering around Kisame's room

"Please Deidara…BE CAREFUL of those priceless stuffed fish hanging on the wall!" said Kisame, watching Deidara's every move

"Deidara knows, Kisame-san! I'm just…simply stunned by your room!" said Deidara, staring at a stuffed swordfish

_I've got to be more aware of this little, mischievous critter! I remember clearly that he made the stuffed shark go –**BOOM**!- Thought Kisame, still watching Deidara like a hawk_

Deidara stops looking at the stuffed fish and sat on Kisame's bed

_Great! Now he's trying to leave me bedless! Thought Kisame, starting to sweat - -_

"Oi, Deidara! I thought we were here to discuss about a little _something_!" said Kisame

"Oh, right! I completely forgot" said Deidara, rubbing the back of his head. "So, what now?"

"We have to confront Itachi-san before he turns into a complete Sexy no Jutsu model, remember? And tell him to go easy on life and his acquaintances!" said Kisame.

"Ack, stop saying those words over and over again! And my answer for that is a definite NO!" said the chibified Deidara - -

"Come on! I'm begging you! Hmmm, not even a _big_, _swirly lollipop_ would do?"said Kisame, treating Deidara like a cute, little puppy while holding a big, round lollipop with colorful swirls on it - -

Deidara immediately grabbed the lollipop from Kisame with his mouth and began sucking and licking on it

"Yes, captain!" said Deidara, in agreement

"Awww, I knew that old lollipop bribery still worked on you! Now let's go and find Itachi-san!" said Kisame with a pleasant expression on his face, began dragging Deidara out of the room - -

In one of the HQ's wide hallways

"Ne, Kisame-san…Isn't this the hallway located outside of Itachi-CHAN's room?" said Deidara, looking worried, but still licking the lollipop

"That's right, little subordinate of mine!" said Kisame, acting like he was a Mafia boss of some sort

"Hmph, I'm nobody's subordinate! I'm a free soul, you know!" protested Deidara, turning all chibified - -

"Quick, Deidara, hide!" said Kisame, pushing Deidara and rolling along with him until they have reached a very dark part of the hallway - -

Itachi opens the door of his room

"I could've sworn that those two troublemakers are up to something again." Said Itachi, scanning the hallway with a serious look on his face. "I guess I'll take a warm bath to calm me down."

With that, Itachi closes the door

Deidara and Kisame move out of their hiding spot

"D-do you think Itachi-CHAN knows we're outside?" said Deidara, clinging onto Kisame's shoulders. "This is really freaking me out!"

"Will you stop being a 'fraidy cat?" said Kisame, movng closer to the door of Itachi's room. "Lookie here! He left his door **_half open_**!"

_HALF OPEN. This is the beginning of our death! Kisame, you'd better start saying your last words! Thought Deidara, swallowing a huge gulp inside his throat_

"I think I'll be a good boy and stay right HERE." Said Deidara, pointing directly on the spot he was standing on.

"WHAT! And I thought we were in this together!" said Kisame, starting to look worried. "Oh fine then! Just alert me if anyone passes by! Make a BELIEVABLE excuse if you have to!" - -

Kisame carefully opens the door of Itachi's room and peeks inside - -

Kisame's face turned into a famous, "Priceless" one

_GASP! WHAT ON DEAR EARTH HAS ITACHI BECOME! JUST LOOK! A pink bathrobe, nailpolish (and not his usual PURPLE ones), a huge stack of Total Girl magazines, a blow dryer, clip-on fingernails, YOU NAME IT! Thought Kisame, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets - -_

:And that's not the worst of it, Kisame came into Itachi's room at the WRONG TIMING:

_HOLY MOTHER OF SHARKBAIT! The readers might think I'm GAY, because I entered Itachi's room while he's taking a BATH! Thought Kisame, preparing to leave the room when his foot bumped into something - -_

"Who's there?" growled Itachi, sensing that there was someone who infiltrated his room

:There was nothing that Kisame could do but to pretend that he wanted to ask Itachi something urgent:

"Ahhh, I-Itachi-san! I have something urgent to ask of you!" said Kisame, heavily sweatdropping

"Well, hurry up and tell me." Said Itachi, sounding impatient. "I don't have all night."

"Err, Sasori-san was wondering when the next mission will be..Itachi-san" said Kisame, trying to make his excuse sound believable. "And I was wondering if you knew!"

"Tell Sasori that I don't know..and that I was never informed of" said Itachi, letting the warm water run through his body - -

Kisame's eye began to twitch

_Crap, I might become the next Sexy no Jutsu model if I stay here any longer! Said Kisame, starting to get all freaked out. - -_

"Kisame." Said Itachi. "If you don't mind, would you please hand me that deodorant stick over there? - -

Upon hearing what Itachi said, Kisame's jaw dropped as if it reached a 100 feet below the ground

_ITACHI-SAN…..USING DEODARANT! This is WORSE THAN ABSURD! I've seen females use these…BUT MEN! Thought Kisame, the expression on his face became much more priceless - -_

"Err, where is it, Itachi-san?" asked Kisame, still wearing the –priceless- look on his face

"Over there. On top of my dresser" Said Itachi, still letting the warm water run through his body

_There's a whole bunch of bottles and cosmetics over here! How the hell am I supposed to find Itachi-san's deodorant stick! I don't even know what it looks like! Thought Kisame, getting all pressured from scrambling through the bottles and metal containers_

:Uh oh, I think Kisame picked up the wrong bottle:

"Here, Itachi-san!" said Kisame, handing a lable-less bottle to Itachi

Itachi gets the bottle

"Good job on finding the right one, Kisame. I've been looking all over for it." Said Itachi, turning off the shower, then opening the bottle and streaking the tip over his underarms"

:GYAA! Both Kisame and Itachi had mistaken the deodorant stick for a black-colored ink stick: - -

"**AAAAAAH!**" Itachi let out a LOUD scream when he suddenly noticed that his underarms were pitch **_BLACK_**. - -

Outside Itachi's room

"Uh oh! Looks like Kisame screwed up…AGAIN!" said Deidara, as he proceded to run for dear life. "But I should've done what Kisame did, so I could make Itachi-CHAN's night go –**BOOM!**-"

In Itachi's room

"KISAME!" shouted Itachi, as he stepped out of the shower - -

"ACK, DEIDARA HELP!" shouted Kisame running away from Itachi's room. "Next time, I HAVE to make a mental note NOT to repeat what just happend!"

**And that's the end of this chapter! I was laughing my body parts off while I was making this bit XD! Please read and review! Oh, and a big thanks to those who read and reviewed! And I'll be adding more Naruto characters in the next chapters to come, if you're wondering why there aren't any appearing in the first three chapters ;-;**


	4. Mission Impossible 2

**Sorry for the long wait! Here I am again, with the 4rth chappie of "The Real Itachi"! Enjoy!**

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At a huge, empy area with tainted glass-tiled floors

"You two are always up to no good!" said Sasori, scolding Deidara and Kisame. "You wouln't like it if Itachi hunted you down everyday!"

"B-but, Sasori-KUN!" said chibified Deidara, at his cutest. "We were just taking the necessary precautions!"

"Deidara's right, Sasori-san! We're doing this for Itachi-san!" said Kisame, defending Deidara and himself

"Well, I guess it can't be helped.." said Sasori, shaking his head slightly. "You two will just have to try something else, …shall I suggest flower arranging?"

"…….." no reply came out from Deidara and Kisame - -

At Itachi's room

"CURSE DEIDARA AND KISAME! LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO MY PRECIOUS..AND ONCE-WHITE UNDERARMS!" shouted Itachi, frantically attempting to remove the black ink from his underarms. "One of these days….POW! Right to the moon!" - -

At Kisame's room

"Ne ne, Kisame-san! What's in our to-do list for PLAN B?" asked chibified Deidara, jumping up and down in front of Kisame

"…I don't know. And I'm not in the mood to make a PLAN B right now.." said Kisame, giving a huge SIGH.

"Don't lie to me! You just said that because PLAN A was a failure, ne?" said Deidara, teasing Kisame

"Oh boy…I'VE TOLD YOU ALREADY, THAT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD! DO YOU WANT ME TO SHAVE YOU TO DEATH!" shouted Kisame. "Well…to make exceptions, we'll see what Itachi's up to, first!"

"ALRIGHT!" shouted Deidara, doing a high jump. "Oooh, this is going to be so much fun! I'll order my clay critters to spy on Itachi!"

"Please, Deidara." Said Kisame. "NOT NOW." - -

Deidara and Kisame suddenly hears voice talking outside of the room

:I think it's Itachi and Sasori having a conversation…well, read to find out! XD: - -

"…Sasori." Said Itachi. "I'm going out for a while, maybe take a stroll around the outskirts of Konoha village"

"What? But the leader might call for you any time now!" said Sasori, starting to look worried. "And…AREN'T YOU BRINGING KISAME ALONG?"

Itachi grumbles

"NO WAY AM I BRINGING THAT SADISTIC TROUBLEMAKER." Said Itachi, eyes starting to flame up. "He's too much trouble, compared to that Deidara subordinate of his."

_GASP! WHEN DID DEIDARA BECOME KISAME'S SUBORDINATE! Thought Sasori, starting to get all suspicious_

"Ahem, I see…" said Sasori. "Well, I'll just tell the leader that you're out on a bunny hunt."

"Okay, I'm off" said Itachi, starting to head for the main door. "And please, BABYSIT DEIDARA AND KISAME..MAKE SURE THEY BEHAVE!"

At Kisame's room

"D-did you hear what Itachi-san just said!" said Kisame, looking worried. "He's going to make Sasori-san BABYSIT US!"

"Keh. I don't give, Kisame-kun! We're still going to spy on Itachi, NO MATTER WHAT!" said Deidara, chibifying himself

"Oh yeah! We musn't let at anyone find out that he's GAY!" said Kisame. "To the D and K mobile!"

At the front lawn of the Akatsuki Headquarters

"DEIDARA!" shouted Kisame. "WHAT KIND OF D AND K MOBILE IS THIS!"

Kisame points frantically at some worn out wagon

"Well sorry, KISAME! This is the best I could do!" said Deidara. "At least THIS is better than having nothing to ride on!"

"Damn…CURSE THE AUTHOR!" shouted Kisame, raising a tightly clenched fist. - -

Deidara and Kisame _carefully_ gets on the wagon

"Geez, I feel like a beggar riding on one of these!" said Kisame, feeling very uncomfortable

"Aww, stop complaining!" said Deidara, shouting in front of Kisame's face. "We can spy on Itachi with this!"

"And how are you sure!" said Kisame, folding his arms and looking away from Deidara. "If Itachi finds out we're here...He'll be the one to shave us with my Samehada!"

"Now YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BECOMING A 'FRAIDY CAT!" said Deidara, turning into an angry chibi figure. "Don't worry! He'll be too busy trying to take off the black stuff on his underarms!"

"Right…whatever." Said Kisame, sulking. "Move this dang wagon then!"

Deidara manages to move to wagon with his chakra…but he accidentally put too much so…the wagon went speeing towards Konoha village like a space rocket - -

"AAAAACK, DEIDARA!" shouted Kisame, his skin almost falling out of place. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DOOOOONE!" - -

The wagon manages to reach Konoha, but unfortunately, it slams into a giant tree

Both Deidara and Kisame were sent flying into an abandoned shack - -

"Deidara…NEXT TIME, REMIND ME NEVER TO TAG ALONG WITH YOU!" said Kisame, spitting bits of wood from his mouth

"Hehe, sorry Kisame-san!" said chibi Deidara, looking innocent. "Now let's see….i'm guessing that Itachi's making out with a man! Shall I say…his brother?"

"HELL NO! THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT!" shouted Kisame. "Let's go find him then!" - -

At a local cosmetic shop in Konoha

"What lovely cometics." Said Itachi, carefully looking at all the lipsticks, make ups, eyeliners, etc. "I wonder which one will look good on me? Heehee. BUT, mor importantly…I have to find a solution that will erase the annoying black stuff on my underarms!"

A sales lady approaches Itachi

"Hello, sir! Welcome to Konoha Cosmetics! Is there something I can do for you?" smiled the sales lady. _OMG, is this man GAY! She suddenly thought_

"Err, yes. I'm looking for something…like a solution that can remove the blackness in one's underarms." Said Itachi without hesitation.

"Ahhh, I see. Well why don't you try this BLACK-AWAY WHITENING LOTION for your underarms?" suggested the sales lady, handing Itachi a big, silver bottle.

"..I guess this will do." Said Itachi, examining the bottle. "How much for it?"

"70 yen" replied the sales lady. - -

Itachi hands the lady 70 yen - -

At Deidara and Kisame's location

"You know, if Itachi's still trying to remove the black ink…it's a dead give away that he'll be at the cosmetics store" said Kisame, looking around the village shops

"Yeah, you've got a point there!" said Deidara with a huge smile on his face - -

Itachi suddenly exists from a building just across from where Deidara and Kisame are

"D-d-deidara…don't tell me who just came out..!" said Kisame, starting to shiver with fear

"I know, I know!" said Deidara, shaking frantically - -

Itachi suddenly looks at Deidara and Kisame with deadly eyes

"What are you two doing here?" said Itachi, looking slightly shocked

"N-nothing, Itachi-CHAN!" said Deidara, sweatdropping. "Err, we were just taking a stroll around Konoha!"

"Shouldn't you two be in the HQ? And…more importantly, HAVE YOU DIVULGED THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT, YET!" said Itachi, the PRICELESS face almost taking form on him

"No, no. NEVER, Itachi-san!" said Kisame. "We wouldn't do anything to hurt your precious feelings

"GOOD. Now I've got to run along and do something IMPORTANT." Said Itachi

And with that, Itachi runs back to the HQ in a flash - -

"What was THAT for!" said Deidara. "It seems like he knows our intentions! And if ya ask me, I don't care whether the WHOLE WORLD knows that he's GAY!"

"Well, I CARE!" said Kisame. "He'd be in a LOT OF TROUBLE if everyone knew about it! I mean, what would his hoard of fangirls think! What would Sasuke think! And more importantly, he'll be haunting us for the rest of our lives!"

"…You've got a point there! But oh well..it's not like he'll be remembering that forever now..wouldn't it?" said Deidara, slightly agreeing. "I suggest we go back to base and continue our spying!"

At Itachi's room

"This stuff HAS to work on me." Said Itachi, opening the cap and streaking the tip over his underarms - -

Itachi felt something REALLY, REALLY uncomfortable

"**AAAAH**! **CURSE THIS WORLD**!" shouted Itachi, now looking at his black and HAIRY underarms. "Now…my underarms are BLACK…and it's completely covered with THICK HAIR. MY KAMI, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS!"

Itachi looks at his hideous underarms in a mirror - -

"If this has something to do with my horoscope for this month, then I'd better start commiting suicide tomorrow! It's either I die, or admit to the WHOLE WORLD that I'M GAY!" shouted Itachi.

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Wow, I wonder what will happen to poor Itachi? XD Opinions, suggestions, comments, constructive critisicms, please! Oh and..READ AND REVIEW!**


	5. Hairy Scary!

**Okay, here I am again with the 5th chappie of "The Real Itachi"! And to those who reviewed, thanks so much! I greatly appreciate it! Now…ON WITH THE STORY! YAY! XD**

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In Itachi's room

_OH GREAT…I know this is JUST A DREAM so…Itachi, please calm down! Thought Itachi, panting heavily_

"These monster underarms has got to disappear!" said Itachi, looking around his room trying to find something that could solve his huge dilemma. "AHA! I'VE GOT IT!" - -

At Kisame's room

"I STILL don't get it, Kisame-san!" said Deidara, pacing back and forth. "Maybe Itachi-CHAN's a PSYCHIC or something!"

"DON'T jump to conclusions! Maybe he's an escapee from a mental institute!" said Kisame, trying hard not to laugh - -

Somebody starts banging wildy on the door

"Aw c'mon now, who could that be?" said Deidara, watching Kisame open the door- -

:Who would suspect? IT'S ITACHI:

Itachi crashes inside Kisame's room and falls on the floor - -

"ACK! ITACHI-SAN!" gasped Kisame, looking at Itachi who was all sprawled on the floor - -

Itachi quickly gets on his feet, not bothering what just happened to him

"KISAME! I know I shouldn't be telling you this but…YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!" shouted Itachi, grabbing hold on the collar of Kisame's robe and shaking it frantically

"Wh-wh-WHAT! Maybe you should consult Sasori-san instead!" said Kisame, almost falling apart

"Kisame-san…I think you should do as Itachi-CHAN says." Said Deidara, sitting on Kisame's bed and looking out the window. "You wouldn't want him to kill you on the spot now, would you?"

"Oh……FINE THEN!" said Kisame. "Err, Itachi-san…could you please calm down and let go of me?" - -

Itachi throws Kisame on the floor

"Now listen here! I DON'T KNOW WHY ON EARTH ARE THESE MISFORTUNATE AND TROUBLESOME PROBLEMS ARE ATTACKING ME…but I think you can help me solve ONE PROBLEM!" said Itachi, eyes widened to a pulp

"Wh-what it is, Itachi-san?" asked Kisame, starting to sweat. _CRAP! HE'LL MURDER ME HERE! IN THIS VERY ROOM! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!_

"I WANT YOU TO SHAVE THESE HIDEOUS HAIRS ON MY UNDERARMS WITH YOUR SAMEHADA!" shouted Itachi, begging Kisame on bended knees.

"WHAT!" gasped both Deidara and Kisame

_THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE 1ST STAGE OF MY SLOW, AND PAINFUL DEATH! Though Kisame, sweat all over his face_

"W-ell…I'll see what I can do, Itachi-san! I'm sure removing the hairs won't be a problem!" said Kisame, looking all pressured and freaked out

"Good! Now hop to it! Ordered Itachi, taking off his robe, revealing the **hairy eclipse** of his underarms

_Ewww, NASTY! Itachi-CHAN's armpits are all…DARK and FURRY! Gasped Deidara, looking away and trying hard not to laugh his body parts off_

"I want to supervise! I want to supervise!" said Deidara, jumping up and down like a little kid :AWWW: - -

Kisame removes the Samehad out of it's sheath

"Okay…HERE WE GO!" said Kisame, proceding to slice off the hairs on Itachi's underarms with his Samehada - -

Kisame made a powerful slash over Itachi's armpits - -

The tip of the Samehada suddenly produced a huge and visible **crack**

Itachi, Kisame and Deidara all gasped in horror - -

"WHAT! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" shouted Kisame, eyes almost popping out of their sockets. "My Samehada should shave almost EVERYTHING!"

"GASP! The hairs on Itachi-CHAN's armpits look like they've been blessed by Tsunade! It's STRONG!" said Deidara, the look on his face started to look priceless - -

"AAAAH! THE HAIRS WON'T FALL OFF!" shouted Itachi, starting to pull the hairs himself - -

Soon, Itachi felt a huge throb of pain shoot down the palm of his hand - -

"OUCH, DANG IT!" shouted Itachi, quickly withdrawing his hand, only to reveal the redness on his palm

"Quick, get Sasori-KUN!" said Deidara, ordering Kisame

"Roger that!" said Kisame, returning the Samehada to it's sheath

Kisame leaves the room

"Okay…if Sasori STILL DOESN'T manage to get the hairs off…I'm really going to commit suicide!" said Itachi, almost out his sanity

"Don't, Itachi-CHAN! You'll only waste the value of your precious life!" said Deidara, trying to stop Itachi from doing anymore crazy acts

"I HAVE TO! I can't admit to the whole world that I'm GAY! If they DID find out, I'm still going to be dead meat!" said Itachi, starting to calm down - -

Kisame and Sasori suddenly enters the room

"OMG, Itachi!" shouted Sasori, running over to Itachi. "Your underarms…have become a DISASTER!"

"You're our only hope now, Sasori-san! You've got to use the power of your puppets to the fullest!" said Kisame

"If that's what you're going to do, then DO IT!" said Itachi, raising his underarms for Sasori to see

"Okay, this won't take long!" said Sasori, transferring chakra to the strings of his puppet - -

The puppet starts to attack the hairs on Itachi's underarms - -

As soon as the puppet goes near Itachi's underarms, it started to explode - -

"GACK! MY PUPPET!" shouted Sasori, already on the verge of tears as he watched his precious puppet explode in different parts of the room

"Ack, my room!" shouted Kisame, looking at the huge holes on the wall made by Sasori's puppet - -

"It's no use!" shouted Itachi, looking hoplessly at his underarms. "I-if I continue to keep the secret, all these troublesome things start to appear on me!"

"What…secret?" asked Sasori, starting to get all suspicious

"Err, IT'S NOTHING, Sasori-KUN!" said Deidara, sweatdropping

"Well, it's no use if you people don't want to tell me." Said Sasori. "I guess I'll be off now..and repair my broken puppet"

With that, Sasori leaves the room

"Grrr, I AM STARTING TO GET ANNOYED!" shouted Itachi. "If this persists, i'll be forced to do something nasty." - -

Itachi leaves the room

"Argh, MY ROOM!" cried Kisame, looking at the giant hole on the wall that was also made by Sasori's puppet

"Awww, that's ok, Kisame-san! You can always SLEEP WITH ZETSU-SAMA!" said chibified Deidara.

"WHAT!" shouted Kisame. "I'd rather sleep outside than with Zetsu!"

"I'm just joking, Kisame-san! Of course you can sleep in my room tonight!" said Deidara

"Phew…really?"

"Yes, REALLY. But don't get too gay like Ita-CHAN! I'll have some clay critters repair your room! So don't worry too much!"

"Phew….Thanks a lot, Deidara! You don't know how much this means to me!"

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Aww, end of chapter! Now..i wonder what Itachi will do if those troublesome stuff start to make another attack on him? Read the next chappie to find out! Read and review, please! THANKS MUCH!**  



	6. Queer Eye, For The Gay Guy!

**I'm back with the 6th chappie of "The Real Itachi"! Now maybe there will be some parts/scenes that you wouldn't expect or like Itachi to do XD But don't worry, they're not THAT crazy and insane XD Enjoy reading it! P Thanks for the reviews, by the way!**

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That night, in Deidara's room

"WHY do I have to sleep on the floor!" complained Kisame, finding his sleeping bag uncomfortable

"Aw, quit your complaining! At least having a sleeping bag is better than having none!" said Deidara, throwing a stuffed puppy at Kisame

The stuffed puppy plushie bounces off Kisame's head

"ARGH! THAT'S IT! I CAN'T SLEEP!" shouted Kisame, making the room shake

"Calm down, Kisame-san! Everything will be fine tomorrow morning!" said Deidara, trying to prevent Kisame from getting angry. "And besides, it's not like Itachi-CHAN will continue to hunt us down tomorrow!"

"I guess that's what I'm afraid of!" said Kisame, calming down a little. "Itachi-san is a VERY unpredictable guy! And in our case, I suggest we take the steps ONE BY ONE."

Deidara rolled his eyes

"Yeah right. Like we NEVER SKIPPED STEPS before." Muttered Deidara, as he stared at the ceiling. "Look, ..we've already failed TWO fool-proof plans! And it's all because you were CARELESS and TACTLESS!"

"What! And now you're putting all the blame on ME?" said Kisame, becoming tough. "I never said that we hunt Itachi-san down and try to mess up his life!"

"But still! Even if I knew that Itachi-CHAN's gay, ..nothing else will change on what I think of him!" said Deidara, trying to stop himself from crying

:**THIS IS NOT AN ITAxDEIDARAxKISAME fic**, mind you XD:

Kisame's eye twitched

"D-don't tell me you…have feelings for Itachi-san?" gasped Kisame. "It just WON'T seem right!"

"No, I don't! I'm not QUEER, like him! I'm **STRAIGHT**, to the point!" said Deidara, turning into a chibified cutie

"Haha, yeah right! No wonder you don't want me to see those fluffy and scandalous pics of you and Itachi holding hands, while walking around in a park!" said Kisame, laughing like there was no tomorrow

"I RESENT THAT, Kisame-san!" said Deidara as a vein in his forhead started to enlarge - -

A loud scream was heard

"Ack! What was that!" said Kisame, suddenly jumping on Deidara's bed

"GASP! THAT was Itachi-CHAN!" said Deidara. "Looks like those _series of unfortunate events_ have attacked…AGAIN!"

"I'm going to file myself up for adoption if Itachi-san barges in here and starts cursing and shouting at us!" said Kisame, getting really scared - -

At Itachi's room

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" shouted Itachi, starting to pull all the hairs on his head off. "This is REALLY killing me!"

Itachi looks at the mirror and _GASPS_, only to see himself with thicker, bushy and almost-exploding eyebrows - -

"I MUST put an end to this!" said Itachi, attempting to slice off his eyebrows with a pocket knife - -

-slice-

Itachi's eyebrows didn't fall off

-slice- Note that after every slice, Itachi's eyebrows still don't fall off, but other troublesome things start to happen.

Itachi's nose enlarges

-slice-

Itachi's eye closes and now it won't open

-slice-

Itachi's feet enlarges, causing his sandals to explode to bits

-slice-

Out of no where, a frog falls on top of Itachi's head - -

"**ARGGGGH**!" shouted Itachi, still slicing his eyebrows like mad

-slice-

A chunk of hard cement falls on top of Itachi and the frog - -

"**I GIVE UP**!" shouted Itachi, panting heavily, throwing the pocket knife away

A few minutes have passed, and Itachi returns to his normal appearance

"If I try to slice my eyebrows off, disasters will start to happen to ME!" said Itachi, wiping sweat off his forehead. "Are ALL of these related to my horoscope that Deidara read a few weeks ago?"

_**Flashback occurs**_

"**_Don't be afraid of showing everyone who you truly are. It's better to be true, than to be plastic." Deidara said aloud_** - -

_**Flashback ends**_

"Nothing from my horoscope connects to these disastrous changes on my body." Said Itachi, scratching his chin. "If this has something to do with Deidara and Kisame, I'll make sure their dreams won't come true..!"

With that, Itachi goes back to his bed and sleeps, as if nothing had happened to him - -

The following day…

At the Akatsuki HQ's dining room

Deidara and Kisame are both laying their heads on top of the dining table

"This bites, Kisame-san…" groaned Deidara. "We didn't get enough sleep last night.."

"Yeah…I agree." Said Kisame, unable to lift his head - -

Suddenly, Itachi enters the dining room - -

Both Deidara and Kisame started to streaighten themselves up, upon seeing Itachi enter

"Ohayou, Itachi-CHAN!" greeted chibified Deidara

"Morning." Said Itachi, expressionless

"Err, Itachi-san…" said Kisame, butting in. "What happened to your eyebrows?"

"DON'T ask." Said Itachi, glaring at Kisame - -

Kisame gulps

"Okay if you're REALLY disturbed by the sight of these monstrous eyebrows.." said Itachi. "Then this leaves me no choice but to…" - -

Itachi gets a pair of hot, black shades that could also cover a person's eyebrows (well, partially XD) and wears it over his eyes

Deidara and Kisame's faces turned _priceless_ as they saw Itachi wearing the shades

"GASP…I-Itachi-CHAN." Said Deidara, staring hard at Itachi's face and eyes. "Y-you look…" - -

Suddenly out of nowhere, the song "Selfish" started to play in Deidara's head - -

'**_You can call me selfish,_**  
_**But all I want is your love.  
You can call me hopeless, baby**_  
'_**Cause I'm hopelessly in love.  
You can call me unperfect, but who's perfect?  
Tell me what do I gotta do,  
To prove that I'm the only one for you, ooh..  
So what's wrong with being selfish? …'**_

"Uhhh, Deidara? You alright?" said Kisame, waving his hand in front of Deidara's face - -

"Yeah, I'm fine! K-Kisame-san!" said Deidara, recovering from his shakiness - -

"Well, if you two plan on causing more trouble, I'm going to head somewhere outside." Said Itachi, leaving the room

_GASP! Don't tell me that I'm starting to fall for ITACHI? Curse the author! Thought Deidara, starting to get freaked out_

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**Yay, end of chappie! Anyway…the SELFISH song thing just popped out randomly XD! I was listening to the song when I was writing this, so I guess it made me want to type the chorus…hehehe. Please kami-sama, don't make Deidara fall for Itachi, when Itachi's currently at his ugliest! So that means…stay tuned for the next chapter! Read and review, please!**


	7. Mission POSSIBLE, And Divulged Secrets

**Hey everyone XD! Sorry for the long wait! I'm back with the 7th chappie! YAY! Warning: Itachi goes insanely mad here XP! Forgive me, guys!

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At the roof of the Akatsuki HQ

"K-Kisame-san…." Said Deidara, looking around suspiciously. "I don't understand WHY we have to make another plan on TOP OF THE ROOF!"

"Oh, pish posh! Don't tell me you're AFRAID of HEIGHTS!" said Kisame, teasing Deidara by poking him in the arm. "We'll be all right on top of the roof! It gives lots of genius' inspiration!"

"Nooo! Let me down, let me down!" shouted chibified Deidara, waving his arms around like mad - -

Kisame grabs Deidara's robe and pulls him closer

"Listen up, Deidara! I'm going to force you to do this PLAN C, whether you like it or not!" said Kisame, gritting his teeth. "It'll be EASY!"

Deidara swallowed a huge gulp

"Aww…fine." Said Deidara.

"That's a good boy!" said Kisame with a wide smile on his face. "Now here's the plan!" - -

Kisame whispers in Deidara's ear - -

"OMF-ING KAMI-SAMA!" shouted Deidara, "NO WAY WOULD I DO SOMETHING LIKE **THAT!"**

"Come on now! Don't be a sissy!" said Kisame. "You only have to talk to that Aburame guy!"

"But, he's FREAKY!" said Deidara, getting really freaked out. "Why don't YOU do it!"

"It doesn't matter! We'll go together!" said Kisame, as he grabbed Deidara and jumped from the roof

The two landed on the grassy ground without much ease - -

At the outskirts of Konoha

Aburame Shino is seen taking a pleasant stroll around the wooded area of the outskirts

Deidara and Kisame appeared behind a giant tree - -

Shino suddenly threw a kunai at the trunk of the giant tree

"GACK!" said Kisame, who was almost hit by the kunai - -

Shino appeared in front of Kisame and gave him a powerful punch

"Kisame-san!" said Deidara, watchin Shino punch Kisame

"Ow, …that hurt!" said Kisame. "Listen, we're only here to negotiate!"

"I don't accept negotiations with Akatsuki members." Said Shino seriously. "If I were you, I'd find somebody else to negotiate with"

"No, no, no, no! Please listen to us, Aburame-san!" said chibified Deidara. "We're not going to do anything evil! Promise!"

"Yeah, Deidara's right!" said Kisame, agreeing with Deidara. "Please, let us use your Kikaichu bugs!"

"What for?" asked Shino. "I _could_ make some exceptions…but I need to know your motive first"

"Well…it's only for surveillance purposes! We were told to gather some bug specimens, so we decided to borrow some of your Kikaichu bugs, so we could get plus points on this mission!" said Kisame, trying to make Shino believe his alibi - -

Shino sighs

"Very well then. I have no choice. Tell me how many bugs you want to borrow." Said Shino, believing Kisame's stupid alibi

"We only need 10 of them!" said Kisame.

"I see." Said Shino, as he commanded 10 Kikaichu bugs to come out, crawling from beneath his skin

Deidara looked awfully disgusted at what Shino was doing

"I've told them to take care of themselves. But THIS is the first and the ladt time you'll be asking me to do a favor for you." Said Shino, handing a handful of Kikaichu bugs to Kisame. "Don't bother returning them to me, they can find their way back once you've ordered them to"

With that, Shino leaves the area

"Yatta! We did it, Kisame-san! That alibi of yours was too fool-proof!" cheered chibified Deidara, jumping up and down

"Now..to go back to the HQ and check if Itachi's there!" said Kisame, grabbing Deidara and running back to the Akatsuki HQ - -

Outside the Akatsuki HQ

"Be VERY QUIET, Deidara. We're on a dangerous mission." Said Kisame, scanning the area…I can sense that Itachi's in his room already. Move, move, move!"

"Aye, aye!" said Deidara, following Kisame's orders

Deidara and Kisame quietly crawled across the grass and ended up outside the window of Itachi's room

Deidara peeks inside Itachi's room, only to find his Akatsuki ring on a table

"Kisame-san..check this out!" said Deidara, rapidly pointing to Itachi's Akatsuki ring lying vulnerably on a table. "Is this the item you're looking for?"

"THAT'S IT." Said Kisame, picking up the ring, taking off the stone, and inserting 3 Kikaichu bugs inside

"No…YOU WOULDN'T." said Deidara, eyes widening at what Kisame's doing. "You're going to put Kikaichu bugs inside Itachi-CHAN's ring and gather PRICELESS information, aren't you?"

"Yep, that's right!" snickered Kisame, putting the stone back in it's place and returning the ring to it's rightful spot on the table. "I've somehow mastered the art to communicate with these bugs! Hehe, they'll tell me EVERYTHING they've gathered, tomorrow morning!"

"Oooh, Kisame-san! You're so EVIL." Said Deidara, snickering along with Kisame. "But still, this is for Itachi-CHAN's own good!"

"Now let's get out of here before Itachi-san finds out!" said Kisame, dragging Deidara and running off to his room

At Kisame's room

"I'm quite surprised that your clay critters' fixing skills are THAT fast!" said Kisame, scanning everything in his room. "All my stuffed fish are still here! And…AND MY BED! HOLY SHARKFIN'S SOUP WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO IT!"

Kisame jawdropped while staring at his bed all furnished with pink bedsheets, pillows and cutesey animal plushies - -

"Errr, I guess my critters OVER DID it!" said Deidara, sweatdropping. "You'll get used to it, Kisame-san!"

"Riiight…WHATEVER." Said Kisame, sniffing - -

At Itachi's room

"Ahh, feels good to take a nice, warm bath." Said Itachi, putting on his Akatsuki robe. "But it still ANNOYS me whenever I see my broom-like eyebrows and my hairy underarm eclipse!"

Itachi gave a huge sigh

"I am having this extremely weird GAY feeling again…that feeling when you want to do some '**bedplay**' with another man….NO. **I MUST RESIST TEMPTATION**!" said Itachi, getting all dramatic

:Poor Itachi. He doesn't know that the Kikaichu bugs inside his Akatsuki ring are remembering everything he says! Read on, read on:

"How…can…I…tell…**OROCHIMARU-SAMA THAT I LOVE HIM**!" shouted Itachi with a girly expression on his face. "**CURSE THIS GAYNESS**! **I HAVE TO BECOME****STRAIGHT**!"

Sadness and depression suddenly struck Itachi, causing the color of his eyes to turn 'blue'

:Yes, it's really amazing how the color of Itachi's Mangkeyou Sharangin change depending on how he feels:

"Oh, Orochimaru-sama! You're ever so tender face has inspired me to become one of your many followers in that **BARNEY FAN CLUB **that you recently found!" said Itachi, on the verge of tears

Itachi's eyes turned into flashy, rainbow colors…indicating that he's 'hyper'

"But then…**I AM ALSO ONE OF GAI-SENSEI'S OUTSTANDING STUDENTS IN HIS TAIJUTSU CLASSES**!" said Itachi, suddenly pulling out a picture of himself wearing one of those green tights that Gai-sensei and Rock Lee always wear. "**SUCH YOUTH**…!" - -

Itachi suddenly snaps back to his senses

"Why am I starting to say all of these? They're supposed to be kept as a SECRET!" said Itachi, starting to worry. "I'd better sleep and pretend I never divulged anything!"

:Heehee, I wonder who gets the last laugh now…eh, Itachi-kun:

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**End of chappie! Hope you enjoyed reading it! And the thing where Itachi's Sharingan changes colors? I just made that up XP Read and review, please! By the way…I wonder when Itachi will become straight again! Eeeep! Comments? Critisicms? Suggestions? Thanks a lot!**


	8. Find That Ring!

**Thanks for all of your reviews submitted to the 7th chappie! But now..I'm back with the 8th chappie of "The Real Itachi"! Do enjoy!

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A bright morning light shines through the window of Itachi's room

Itachi vigorously snores in bed..

Meanwhile, near the Akatsuki HQ…we see Kiba and his bestfriend, Akamaru, taking a morning stroll near an area full of trees - -

"Isn't it fun to take morning strolls ne, Akamaru?" asked Kiba, walking casually with his hands buried in the side pockets of his jacket

Akamaru barks in agreement

"Good boy! Now I wonder where I can find a suitable place for you to practice your 'Dynamic Air Marking' technique..?" said Kiba, scanning the are for unmarked trees - -

Akamaru suddenly growls

"Grrr…!" growled Akamaru, as he began running towards the direction where the Akatsuki HQ is located

"D-damn it! Akamaru's running towards the Akatsuki base!" said Kiba, running after Akamaru - -

After what seemed like minutes, Akamaru stops in front of a widely open window

Akamaru sniffs around the area, and starts to growl again

Kiba has now managed to catch up with Akamaru - -

"A-Akamaru!" scolded Kiba. "..If I didn't know you were up to something, we'd be killed by these Akatsuki slimeballs!"

Akamaru intentionally ignored Kiba and continued barking like mad - -

At Kisame's room

"Damned dog! HOW CAN I SLEEP IN PEACE WITH ALL THAT RACKET OUTSIDE!" shouted Kisame, eyes bloodshot and wide

:HAHA, poor Kisame-san! Doesn't he know it's already morning! XD:

At Deidara's room

"My poor, precious ears! I can't stand it!" shouted Deidara, covering tons of pillows over his head. "If my guess is correct, then it must be that Inuzuka boy's dog!" - -

At Itachi's room

Itachi still manages to sleep like a log with all that barking and growling going on XD

:EEEEEP! I think Itachi's suffering from a major hang over:

Outside the window of Itachi's room

"AKAMARU!" shouted Kiba, picking up Akamaru, only making the puppy bite him. "Ouch! Akamaru, WHY are you doing this to ME!"

Akamaru suddenly jumps inside the window, landing softly on the table

:Remember the table with Itachi's Akatsuki ring on top of it? Maybe this'll give you a hint on what's going to happen next! XD:

Akamaru eyes the Akatsuki ring on the table, sniffs it, then runs off with it in his mouth

"Akamaru! Come here, you!" said Kiba, letting Akamaru jump on top of his head. "We have to scram before they come running after us! How many times did I tell you not to meddle near, or INSIDE the Akatsuki base without reinforcements?"

Akamaru whimpers in disappointment - -

Kiba and Akamaru runs away from the Akatsuki HQ - -

At the Akatsuki dining room

"Dang that annoying dog!" said Kisame, a vein popping in his forehead. "I'll teach him not to awaken the S-ranked Missing Nin: **HOSHIGAKI KISAME**!

Kisame does the 'nice-guy' pose

Deidara rolls his eyes in uninterest

"Pull yourself together, Kisame-san! It's ONLY A DOG." Said Deidara. "I'll admit that I was awakened too…BUT DON'T TAKE IT **THAT** SERIOUSLY!"

Kisame grunts - -

Itachi suddenly enters the dining room, wearing those hot, black shades 3

"Itachi-CHAN!" said Deidara, becoming chibified. "Still feeling all tortured and annoyed?"

"You can say that a billion times over, Deidara." Said Itachi, preparing himself a bowl of Konoha Crunch Cereals - -

:It seems that I've made KCC Itachi's fave food in my fic XD:

_"Our plan is working well, Deidara!" said Kisame, whispering in Deidara's ear. "Itachi-san hasn't worn his Akatsuki ring yet!"_

A big, wide smile slowly appears on Deidara's face

Itachi starts reading the Daily Konoha Newspaper - -

"Hmmm, the sports center is a real hoot." Said Itachi, flipping the pages to the CAR ADVERTISEMENTS SECTION. "Oh…cars"

Itachi eats a spoonful of cereals, and chews it with finesse

"Next page.." said Itachi, flipping the pages until the very last one. - -

Itachi's eyes turn pale blue..indicating that he's 'bored'

"I'm bored..i'll go outside and do my training." Said Itachi, standing up and leaving the dining room

:Gawd, as if he needed training! I wonder what it's for? And he didn't even finish his bowl of KCC:

"That's our cue, Deidara! TO ITACHI-SAN'S ROOM!" shouted Kisame, running upstairs, to Itachi's room

"Right on, Kisame-san!" said Deidara, as he followed Kisame to Itachi's room - -

At Itachi's room

"Now, to gather all these PRICELESS info from the ri- -…..F!" shouted Kisame, starting to go insane as he saw that the ring wasn't on the table. "DEIDARA, FIND THE RING!"

"GACK, KISAME-SAN! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT!" shouted Deidara, face turning all _priceless_ again

"I could've sworn that Itachi-san didn't wear his ring when he entered the dining room!" said Kisame, pacing back and forth around the room

"Yeah…but don't you think that the noisy dog stole and ran off with Itachi-CHAN's ring?" said Deidara, sitting on top of the table. "I mean it's so weird to suddenly wake up in the morning, hearing a dog growl outside the Akatsuki HQ! And you know very well that the leader doesn't allow pets in or outside the HQ!"

"You have a point there! And not only does our Akatsuki rings have a certain kanji and color engraved on the stone…it's also blessed with a strong scent that could attract any typ of animal!" said Kisame, a lightbulb suddenly appearing on top of his head

"STUPID! That's not it, Kisame-san!" said Deidara, throwing a lump of clay at Kisame's face. "That dog MUST KNOW about those Kikaichu bugs hidden under the ring's stone!"

"What? Your idea's ABSURD, Deidara!" objected Kisame. "If we're THAT desperate to get the ring back, I suggest we look for it NOW!"

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**Whoa…I wonder where those two will look first? Hehe. The Akatsuki ring with the scented stuffie was just made up by me XD Read and review, please!**


	9. The Troublesome Two!

**Back with the 9th chappie of "The Real Itachi"! Well in some parts, I'll be adding made-up techniques/jutsus to some characters. And I guess this is the chappie where they all "find out". Hope you enjoy reading this chappie!

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**

At the Akatsuki HQ's frontyard

"That ring CAN'T fall into the WRONG HANDS!" said Kisame, eyes widening with fear. "We'll be butchered up if the leader finds out about it!"

"Lame reason for TRYING to butcher us. I mean, the leader can easily replace the ring with a new one…" said Deidara, uninterested. "But I still don't know WHY we are going to go through ALL these troubles just to hunt down the culprit!"

"Don't you want to score BIG TIME with the leader and the rest of the members!" suggested Kisame, arms wide open in front of Deidara He's not trying to hug Dei-chan, mind you XD

"Oh, whatever! Let's just find the thief, and make sure his funeral starts tomorrow!" said Deidara. "This is going to be FUN…and troublesome."

"**TO THE D & K MOBILE!**" shouted Kisame, raising a fist with pride - -

Deidara summons giant clay monsters without much effort

"Heh, I guess clay manipulation runs GOOD in the family!" said chibified Deidara, patting one of the clay monsters on it's side. "C'mon, Kisame-san! Let's ride on these creatures!" - -

Deidara and Kisame jump on top of the clay monsters - -

Meanwhile, at a shrine in the village of Konoha

"D-damn those bastards! I'll be sure to kick their butts the next time they show up in Konoha!" shouted Naruto, clenching his fist angrily

"I'm getting _really suspicious_ about those two Akatsuki members.." said Shino. "They borrowed at least 10 of my Kikaichi bugs"

"But you were too careless, Shino! I can't believe you'd actually fall for a BUG-HUNTING alibi!" said Naruto, teasing Shino - -

Something, …or someone suddenly lands in front of Naruto and Shino - -

"**YAHOO!**" shouted the figure - -

Naruto and Shino sweatdrops

"Who would've known it was YOU, KIBA!" said Naruto with a sarcastic look on his face. "So…what's up?"

"Heh, dream on, Naruto! Oh yeah…a while ago this morning, while me and Akamaru were taking our morning walk, Akamamaru suddenly acted up on me! He was barking and growling like mad in front of the Akatsuki base!"

Akamaru whimpers in disgrace

"Those Akatsuki slimeballs! They must be up to something!" said Naruto - -

"And I forgot something! Akamaru picked up this tacky-looking ring from a room in the base!" interrupted Kiba, taking a ring out from the pocket of his jacket - -

"Damn it, Kiba..i wasn't finished talking!" said Naruto "WAIT…what kind of ring is THAT?"

"I dunno…but whatever it is, Akamaru keeps on sniffing and growling at it, every now and then!" said Kiba, examining the ring closely. "And the kanji written on it is 'Suzaku – Hoo' or 'Red Sparrow'

"What kind of a weird ring is that?" asked Naruto, completely clueless. "Maybe we can sell it for a **FORTUNE**!" - -

Somewhere a bit far from where Naruto and his friends were

Deidara's ear suddenly twitched

"Is it just me…or did I just hear an Uzumaki suggesting to sell Itachi-CHAN's Akatsuki ring?" said Deidara, looking evil and cool

"**WHAT**? Can't be! They're just clueless, little fools!" snickered Kisame. "I'll shave them down with my Samehada!"

_Geez! How can you not stand a person who resembles his own WEAPON! If you ask me, I CAN'T! thought Deidara - -_

Suddenly, the giant clay monsters landed in an area filled with trees

:Where they landed is quite near from where Naruto and his friends are:

Deidara and Kisame get off the clay monsters

"Heh, see? We weren't even caught by their booby traps….FCUK!" shouted Kisame, as a hidden rope wrapped around his ankle and left him hanging from a tree branch

"Kisame!" said Deidara, starting to panick. "I'll get you down!"

As Deidara closes in, another rope had lassoed itself on his ankle and hanged him upside down beside Kisame

"**WHY THOSE LITTLE PESTS**!" shouted Deidara, his eyes starting to flare up - -

At the Konoha Shrine

"Yahoo! I've got them!" said Kiba, patting Akamaru on the head. "My traps are _always_ fool-proof!"

"Hmm, impressive." Said Shino. "Kiba's a really formidable opponent…even his traps could capture a hoard of Akatsuki members and followers

"Gureito! Time to kick some Akatsuki butt!" said Naruto, jumping towards the direction of Deidara's voice - -

At the place where Deidara and Kisame are hanged

"Damn it, **I hate you**, Kisame-san!" shouted chibified Deidara, trying to wriggle himself free - -

A spear suddenly went zooming towards Deidara - -

"**Yiii**!" shouted Deidara, comically dodging the spear

"Har! Har! Who gets the last laugh, now!" teased Kisame. "**ACK!**" - -

Kiba, Naruto, and Shino suddenly appeared in front of Deidara and Kisame

"Great…it's you three again!" groaned Deidara, the rope making him rock back and forth. "Hurry up and get us down before we turn you into mashed ninja potatoes!"

"Dream on, SUCKERS!" said Kiba, laughing like mad. "Akamaru, do your Air Marking Overflow!"

Akamaru barked obediently as he jumped in mid-air and started to release gallons of piss on Deidara and Kisame - -

"**AAAAAH!**" shouted Deidara and Kisame, as if they were about to be slaughtered in a slaughter house

"Ack, MY SKIN!" shouted Kisame, as his shark-like skin started to shrivel up like a prune. "**HAVE MERCY ON ME!**" - -

"**MY EYES! IT BURNS!**" shouted Deidara, completely covered with Akamaru's air marking :Or piss XD:

"HAHA, it's my turn!" said Naruto, performing a Henge no Jutsu. "Sexy Horror no Jutsu!"

Naruto instantly transforms into a fat, lumpy, blonde-haired girl that's lying on her belly on a giant plate with a huge apple in her mouth

"Hello, my dear boys!" said Sexy Horror Naruto, as she started rolling herself on Deidara and Kisame - -

Deidara and Kisame started to look WORSE than pale

"NO MORE, NO MORE! WE GIVE UP!" shouted Kisame. "JUST GIVE US BACK OUR AKATSUKI RING!" - -

"_Akatsuki ring_, you say?" said Kiba with an evil grin on his face. "I guess I have it…and I'm pretty sure none of you gets it!"

"Kiba." Said Shino sharply

"Dude, what's up with you?" asked Kiba, turning towards Shino

"Just give them what they want"

"WHAT! No way!"

"Do it."

"But…th-this ring could buy us MOUNTAINS!"

"I don't care. Just give them back what they want, so that we could get this pointless thing over with."

"Fine." Said Kiba, giving in to Shino's orders. "If they want it THAT much, I guess I have no choice!"

Kiba gets the Akatsuki ring from the pocket jacket and throws it towards Deidara and Kisame - -

Kisame manages to grab the ring with his mouth

"YAY! Now get us down from here!" ordered Deidara

"Hmmm, NAH!" said Naruto, sticking his tongue out at Deidara and Kisame. "I wanna see if wild animals eat you alive tonight!"

"Speaking of eats, LET'S GO TO ICHIRAKU! My treat!" said Kiba, raising a clenched fist

:Kinda surprising to see Kiba have a fancy for Ichiraku XD:

"Arf! Arf!" Akamaru barked happily

"I could toast to that." Said Shino

"ALRIGHT! To Ichiraku!" said Naruto disappearing from the area - -

Kiba and Shino followed Naruto to Ichiraku - -

Where Deidara and Kisame are……

"OI! GET US DOWN FROM HERE!" shouted Deidara, wriggling frantically. "We're not yet through with you!"

"Oh shut up, Deidara. You smell awfully like piss!" said Kisame, with a really mad look on his face

"Look who's talking!" said Deidara, slamming into Kisame with his body

"Are you looking for a fight!" said Kisame, slamming back into Deidara with his body

-slam-

"I HATE YOU!"

-slam-

"I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU HATE ME!"

-slam-

"OUCH, THAT WAS MY EYE!"

-slam-

"WATCH WHERE YOU SLAM, BUSTER!"

-slam-

-slam-

-slam-

-slam-

:And the slamming goes ON and ON, until they've become exhausted XD:

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**End of chappie! I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading it! Lol, Deidara and Kisame can't get anything RIGHT. But they DID manage to retrieve the Itachi's ring! I wonder what's in store for these two? Read and review, please! Thanks much!**


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